Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
