sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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