Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Randomize
