Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Randomize
