i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
tonight lets celebrate not being married
The beer is more important than you right now.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
