I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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