did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Randomize
