Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
