tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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