i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
