I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
