My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
