Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
