Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Randomize
