sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Randomize
