Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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