Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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