I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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