I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
