she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
