A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
