my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
