Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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