She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
