He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Randomize