You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
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Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
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Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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