In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
