I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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