So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
