i may or may not be watching the land before time
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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