I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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