I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
