I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
True but thats because hes a fetus.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
