I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Randomize
