I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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