I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
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