the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
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