Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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