Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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