Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
How drunk are you?
Completed.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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