You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
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