Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
