Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Your dad touched me again.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
