You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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