you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
