Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Randomize
