After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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