Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
