Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
