who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Randomize
