No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
