I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
