Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Just saw 2 very young girls abandon baby buggys in the Xwalk to fight. Gotta love Holyoke.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
