My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
She tied me up with her honor cords...
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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