The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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