i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
