The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Randomize
