you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
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