im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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